and today i realized that i am the biggest hypocrite of them all -j.w.

and today i realized that i am the biggest hypocrite of them all

i tell everyone to keep holding on

that there is light at the end.

that everything gets better as long

as you continue to wait.

i always tell people to have hope.

that they need to keep trying because

it is too early to give up,

that they have so much to live for.

then there is me,

and i am barely holding on.

-j.w.

some nights

the weight of my thoughts

is more

than that of the world

i carry

on my shoulders.

the world with an abusive mom.

who’s okay right now,

so maybe nothing is really wrong,

and i’m just dramatic,

giving too much credit to my anxiety.

maybe everything is fine.

and my depression isn’t that bad.

it’s just that i haven’t cared about anything for weeks.

and my mind whispers to stop eating

to stop talking

to stop trying.

but it’s probably just hormones from my period.

maybe everything is fine.

losing my best friend is not a big deal.

she’s just one person.

i’ve lost people before.

but it was nice to have her here.

nice to have someone

who saw all the dark parts of me

but somehow stayed

and kept loving me.

maybe everything is fine.

everything has to be fine.

i may be drowning,

but my lifeguards are in their own kind of suffocating.

and i am rescuing too many others.

but i sink

just a little more

every time i wake up.

and my thoughts only weigh more.