may you always be the one who notices the little things that make the light pour through, and may they always remind you: there is more to life and there is more to you. -morgan harper nichols
by lina adams
i used to make a new plan to die
every six months.
or maybe i didn’t make a new plan
just altered the old one,
the one that never really left my mind in the first place.
depression
anxiety
broken
it’s easy to forget what it is you live for
when all you’re trying to do is survive.
//
so eventually,
i made a list:
good hair days
running in the rain
watching netflix during lunch
being an adopted little sister
deep conversations that make me feel like myself after not feeling that way for a long time
bath bombs (and the self-care baths they are used in)
poetry journals with pictures of aggressive hugging and encouraging post-its in the front cover
//
sister attempted again
broken family
failure
//
some would say it worked:
i’m still here.
my heart is beating
my lungs are breathing
i’m still here.
//
barely alive
hurts to breathe
hurts to think
//
snow storms
harry potter
the vibrations of my guitar strings
//
it’s been almost a year since dying was on my schedule.
but i’m still just surviving.
it’s easier to say that you’re tired
than to say that you’re breaking.
//
i keep adding to my list
poetry slams
ice cream
profound quotes
//
hope is not the light thing we believe it to be.
it is knowledge
grit
waking up in the morning.
hope is knowing that my life will someday look like the beautiful things i’ve made it,
and waking up to see it.
strength is knowing i shouldn’t have to make all of those beautiful things,
but getting out of bed to build them anyway.
//
cal berkeley
being a school counselor
future kids
//
my counselor looked at me last week,
asked:
“are you thinking of killing yourself?”
friend overdosed
grandma dying
family just gets worse
i said:
“no.”
and i meant it.
//
so here are my instructions for living a life:
love
be loved
stay
(please.
i’m begging you to please,
just stay.)
all the thoughts 