do not lose hope, please believe that there are a thousand beautiful things waiting for you. sunshine comes to all who feel rain. -r.m. drake

if my sister had died when she tried to kill herself

dear gail,

you were everything i always wanted to be.

loud

outgoing

happy.

the only thing i never wanted you to become was like me,

i never wanted to see you shove your tears down,

never wanted you to deal with this crushing sadness.

but i promise you that i’ll watch out for the boys before it’s too late.

if i had one wish for you

it would’ve been for you to see everything i had planned for you.

i wish you could’ve seen the planes we would’ve jumped out of together

the sharks we would’ve swam with

the world we would’ve discovered.

but i’m standing here remembering that you’ll never see this.

i’ll never get my wish.

and i promise you that i’ll never forgive myself for it.

someday i’ll look at the human i’ve fallen into mutual weirdness with,

(or love, i guess)

and i’ll see our little hooligans running around

i’ll see your smile

hear your laugh.

i promise to always hold on to the pieces of you that are still left.

dear gail,

i’ll do it all

everything you never could.

i’ll jump out of all the planes,

swim with all the sharks,

discover every part of the world you never got to see.

i’ll make sure our brothers have love to hold on to,

make sure they know what the word “hope” means.

and i’ll look down at my little kiddos,

i’ll see their crazy aunt in everything they do.

i promise they’ll know everything about you.

gail,

your body may have died

but i promise you,

your love never will.