no one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. -c.s. lewis

if i still believed in prayers

i would ask god to make sure he was ready for you

i don’t believe in mansions up above

or streets paved in gold

but i know that wherever you’re going after this-

it won’t be boring.

no god could ever be ready for you.

you are too much of every good thing i have ever wanted to be

the hair dye alone would take all your angel wages.

you have so much heart in you

so much love in you

so much soul in you

it can’t just disappear.

i don’t know where you’re going after this

or if there is an “after this”

but i’d like to think i know your soul

and i’d like to think that all the love you’ve given us

won’t die with you

because if you have to go

-against my very selfish wishes

i need some part of you to stay

to remind me why i love at all.

if i still believed in prayers

i might be grateful to know where you’re going

but the truth is:

it doesn’t matter

because i am too selfish

and just want you here.