life tired to crush her, but only succeeded in making a diamond. -john mark green

my mama tried

she grew up in a home

-that was really just a house

where she spent her saturdays waiting on the porch steps

-for a daddy who never came

where her mama’s sex life mattered more

than loving her baby ever would

that scarred little girl set out to break the chain

to save the children she had yet to see

my mama came from a house

but tried to build a home

she poured a foundation of perfectionism

built walls

-bars

of fear

she tried building a home,

but all she had ever known was a cage.

my daddy tried

he grew up in a house of screams

he had never known silence

-and never would

he grew up with a church building

-that was more important than a family

and he didn’t know any better

my daddy tried to make a home from a church

his foundation conditional love

his walls regret

he tried building a home

-but didn’t know to question when mama built a cage

mama and daddy tried

but they didn’t know any better

they set out to save us from their childhoods

didn’t realize they only thing we’d ever need saving from

was their fear

they set out to break the chain

but slowly locked the cage

we didn’t know to question

didn’t even make a sound

i look around at my sister

my brothers

my only prayer for us to be strong enough to break the chain

our parents set out on their quest to save us from the world

before we were twinkles in their eyes

but the only monsters we ever need saving from

are the ones we come home to

every

day

i’ve tried to make a safe place in this cage

but demons cannot be hidden forever

and i stopped trying to pray

someday i’ll look around at the kids i have yet to see

and i hope with every ounce of my soul

they will never know what it is to grow up in a cage

the only promise i have for them is the love i wait to give

love that will never be something they have to carry

only what carries them

dear kids,

someday,

i’ll try.

but not to save you.

only to make sure you know

there is nothing you will ever do

to make me stop loving you.

we’ll build our home together,

and i don’t know what that looks like yet,

but i can’t wait to see.

dear mama and daddy,

i know how hard you’ve tried,

but someday this poem will be my goodbye to you

and all your abuse.

dear sister and brothers,

i’ve never believed in anyone

as much as i believe in you,

the world is waiting –

go love it.

dear future kids,

i love you.