how do we forgive ourselves for all of the things we did not become? -doc luben

by lina adams

an alternate reality in which the i love yous on my tongue do not get caught in my throat.

in this version of the story,

“i love you,”

is not a chain:

it’s a butterfly.

i did not walk in on my eleven-year-old brother

holding a knife to his skin.

he only uses knives to cook with grandma,

the only marks on his skin are from forgetting his oven mitts.

i do not spend night after night

listening to screams destroy the broken foundation our family is built on.

i do not hold my sister through her tears

as she tells me she’d rather die

than live through another night of this.

the only nights i don’t get any sleep

are the ones my sister and i lay awake

talking about the stars,

the vastness of the world,

and our place in it.

my sister and i do not sit in my car

evaluating which family members will still want me 

after finding out

i was not born to love a man 

but a woman.

i go with a girl to prom,

the only comments made are those praising our matching dresses.

my family’s main goal is not happiness,

not a broken exaltation.

the only thing in our sights is love,

and because love alone is not enough,

we have boundaries,

trust,

communication,

vulnerability,

forgiveness.

and because we have this,

love is not just in our sights,

it is within us.

i do not spend my life chasing dreams of unattainable perfection,

i do not drive myself to insanity

just to hear my mother say,

“i’m proud of you”

-she’s still never said it.

i do not set myself on fire

to keep others warm.

i run toward the things that make my soul warm,

i tell myself that i am proud of how far i have come,

i cultivate the fire within me,

stumbling toward the light,

finding myself in the stars.

god is not a set of rigid rules,

blind faith with clearer consequences than promised blessings.

god is the higher self we reach for,

the light within us all

reminding us how to live,

the reason why we live.

in this version of the story,

“i love you,”

is not a sentence-

it is a life.

10 thoughts on “how do we forgive ourselves for all of the things we did not become? -doc luben”

  2. this post makes me feel so much *insert all the snaps here*
    i’m in love with your writing 🧡
    perhaps in an alternate universe so much more is possible, but for now, we’ll just take it all in one day at a time 🧡🧡

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    1. (Hate to be that person…again…but this post made me feel things I want to write out, and the way you used an alternate universe has deeply inspired me in a way I know I won’t be able to describe with words😭 May I be self indulgent in writing out my feels with a similar idea?) ((In which Amanda begs the all powerful Lina Adams to give her blessing in hashing out a rough culmination of words about alternate universes and alternate possibilities))

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      2. there is no hecking way i could ever dream of writing as good as you 😂🧡 you inspire me with everything you write, and not just in ideas or words, but also in how i can approach life differently and be a better person (hopefully) 😉🧡 i love the heck out of you so freaking much

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