one of the hardest things you will ever have to do, my dear, is to grieve the loss of a person who’s still alive. -unknown

i still don’t understand how you just left

i never thought i’d write this

but i wish we were back in your car that day.

january weather reigned, but we were warm together.

i’d forgotten how to feel hope then,

refused to see any good at all.

when your sister has been dying for months,

hope doesn’t make much of an appearance.

i was too deep in my own denial

to see any light.

but you pulled me back

reminded me who I was.

a sister

a mother

a friend.

you told me that my sister wouldn’t live if she didn’t believe she could.

and for her to believe,

we both knew that i had to believe first.

you always pulled me back like this,

always thought me happy things,

gave me the hope i so desperately seemed to need.

you never really understood how bad my home was,

barely saw the hell i had to live in .

but you believed me anyway,

so i could believe.

things are still hell.

i never learned how to think my own happy things,

never learned how to give myself hope.

my sky is full of black,

the only star that guided me was you.

i don’t know how to rise above this

when it’s not you pulling me back up.

i need the hope you gave me,

i need someone to pull me back,

to remind me why i’m here.

i need you.

i need you here.

please hear me.

i need you.