i was dealing with a monster; not a person. -unknown

by lina adams

i knew something was wrong when you watched my cry inconsolably, over something you had done and you didn’t even flinch. you didn’t attempt to apologize. nor were you remorseful. instead, you carefully twisted it around to be my fault. i knew then, i was dealing with a monster; not a person. -unknown

apologies

are hard to come by

in a house

built on dysfunction

my mother’s lips

scream many words

none of which are

“i’m sorry.”

not after calling me an apostate

not after making me a mom of three at the age of fourteen

not after making me hide in closets

to avoid her touch.

not sorry

not sorry

not sorry

every kid

says they’ll never be like their parents

after washing dishes

after taking care of the dog.

i said it

after she told my sister she was broken

after she shamed my brother for his depression

after she gave up on being a mom

then changed her mind

and thought she could just come back

no big deal

not sorry

not sorry

not sorry

my mother gave birth

to two daughters

two sons

who only know how to be sorry

we’re sorry for feeling sad

we’re sorry we aren’t perfect

we’re sorry for everything

we’re sorry

we’re sorry

we’re sorry

we can’t stop saying it

i promised myself

i would never be like my mother

so i say i’m sorry

for feeling this way

for being this way

for existing this way

i can’t stop saying it

even if it’s only in my head

i’m sorry

i’m sorry

i’m sorry

17 thoughts on “i was dealing with a monster; not a person. -unknown”

  3. i think this is like super relateable to all of us in some way or another, personally, it was sort of my life summed up in a poem except if you left out alcoholic people, divorce, and comedy. me and my mom havent been getting along for quite a while but a few days ago she turned to me and flatly said “i wish you would leave me, and just never come back.” so this poem struck my heart like a dagger. but i dont want anyone to remove it, because i kind of needed to see that someone else had problems like that too (we’re teens, we all probably do to some degree) im getting way to deep and personal rn but im too lazy to take the time to delete it so ima just send it.

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    1. My heart is with you. Please know that none of what your mom told you is okay for any reason. You are loved. You are worthwhile, and you are not alone. Being this vulnerable is incredibly brave. Thank you for sharing. 💙

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  6. i just almost wrote your name. oml. dead.

    i love you. and i wish i wasn’t so scared to talk to you more often, but that’s me so… anyways. i love you. and you’re really hitting me in the heart man.

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