there’s no such thing as an unhaunted house. -brenna twohy

someday i hope to raise a family

in a place you could not mistake

for any home i’ve ever been in.

brenna, she says,

there’s no such thing

as an unhaunted house.

-brenna twohy

you told me today

that i belong here

at home

with you

sealed together forever

your next sentence

told me you can’t imagine anything more unrealistic

-or terrible

than me “playing mom”

like i did when your church came before our family

-again

-again

-again

and when you got that new job

i got cheated out of a summer

-a childhood

to wake up before the sun

to love the kids who were supposed to be loved by you

and those months

you barely got out of bed

didn’t even think to be a mom

so i did it for you

and every day since

no regrets

i say i’m pretty terrible at cooking

but i can whip up a pinterest recipe

when kids start crying for food

-someone has to

and i’m pretty good with cleaning schedules

i used to lysol our house

-in hopes it would finally become a home

and it’s a real shame

i can hold my own

in a circle of moms talking about their parenting style

i got to know mine pretty quick

a “thank you” would’ve been nice

i don’t know if i would’ve taken it

i know i wouldn’t have taken an “i’m sorry”

even though i deserve it

a hundred times over

instead you blamed me

for the broken family

you see every day

i can barely see through my tears

my head is spinning

your words shouldn’t still break me like this

i know i’ve been home too long

when i start believing

every word you say

when i just get sad

instead of angry at you

-but i can’t

not when you’re right

this isn’t the first time you’ve said things like this

not even the first time those exact words have come out of your mouth

everyone else doesn’t understand why you would say that

but i do

you see all of me

if my parents think i’ll be terrible at their jobs one day

aren’t they right?

don’t they know best?

you told me today that i belong here

in this house

that’s really just a cage

masquerading as a home

i’m scared

because i don’t think you’re wrong

and i wonder

if i’ve really got it in me

to build anything

that isn’t a cage