now something so sad has hold of us that the breath leaves and we can’t even cry. -charles bukowski

by lina adams

i hate that the first poem i write in weeks

is about the people with whom i share my blood

about their words

how they break me

i hate that i could write that poem with a new abuse

every day if i wanted

i hate that when my seminary teacher asks me to write about a time i was hurt

or unloved

or unwelcome

i have so much to choose from

it’s almost overwhelming

i hate that when everyone was joking about canceling school

being quarantined for weeks

i was terrified

not of a deadly virus

but of being home for that long

because i didn’t know how long i could hold on

i hate that i was right to be afraid

being terrified of my home is the only way to survive

or i might not be paranoid enough

i might slip up

need the domestic violence hotline i know by heart

i hate that i was just starting to think i wasn’t a wreck of a human

that maybe surviving is enough

until i sat in the walls of this cage for too long

and started believing all the words thrown at me

stopped resisting the fights i keep getting trapped in

just dumped gasoline on myself again

to help the gas-lighting along

i hate that i write poems in my head about the people i love

the moments i want to dance

the times i feel the sun from the inside out

but the lines get buried

before they’re on paper

swallowed by grief

abuse

loss

hate

brokenness

take your pick of the sad adjectives

i’m drowning in them all

10 thoughts on “now something so sad has hold of us that the breath leaves and we can’t even cry. -charles bukowski”

      1. I feel that 🧡😭
        1. Cookie on standby (I don’t know where you live and I totally do not want to be creepy 👍)
        2. (Virtual hug. . . Pending . . . Delivered)
        3. I FOREVER AND ALWAYS LOVE AND ACCEPT YOU 🧡🧡 (I’m sorry if that came off as aggressive 🙏) I’ll say it a bit nicer with less snot and tears: ~I always love and accept you no matter flippin what~
        ily 🧡🧡

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m definitely not crying. It’s fine.💙
        1. My birthday is on Wednesday and I want you to come say hi at my drive-by party. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BRING ME ANYTHING. I just wanna see your face.
        2. Received💙💙💙💙💙😭💙
        3. You can say that as aggressively as you want😭😭😭💙
        I love you back💙

        Liked by 1 person

  3. i really really felt this and i’m like trying not to cry in front of my siblings rn.
    i loved the gasoline to gaslighting part because it’s so accurate.
    i just want to say i love you, i understand, and if you ever want to rant to someone, i’m here ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Leave a comment