but love was always something heavy for me. something i had to carry. -benjamin alire sáenz

all her life,

she had learned that love was a dangerous thing.

when she thought of love,

she heard her mother’s voice

screaming that she was the reason their family was broken,

then immediately saying:

“but you know i love you, right?”

and she would say yes

because she didn’t know love could be anything else.

she thought it was love when her dad never stopped talking about how disgusting she was at family dinner.

he said the same words over and over again:

filthy

disgusting

terrible

wrong

wrong. she was terrible and filthy and disgusting and so irrevocably and horribly wrong,

that when her dad asked:

“you know i’m just trying to keep you safe, right?

because i love you?”

she would say yes

because how could love be anything different?

she believed it was love when she cooked and cleaned and helped her siblings with all their homework,

and she wasn’t completely wrong.

but love was a dangerous thing.

so she shoved it down deep inside,

told herself she couldn’t feel it,

not yet.

she stopped believing people when they said it,

gave up on saying it back.

because when she asked herself what love was

she wasn’t so sure she could answer.

she was afraid of love when she finally felt its touch.

all she knew was that she was safer when no one said those words,

safer when love didn’t make an appearance at all.

but it came back

again

again

again

her school counselor

her sophomore english teacher

her adopted big sister

and it took some time,

but she wasn’t quite as afraid of love when it came.

and when she felt brave enough to ask herself what love was,

she still didn’t know for sure.

but she thought it was the scent of lavender and linen

that it was the warmest hugs

and her favorite safe place.

all her life,

she had learned that love was a dangerous thing,

something heavy,

something she had to carry.

but she had been learning it could be something else now:

something light

safe

warm

at the very least,

it was no longer something she had to carry.